Depression

Just this week, two of the well known celebrities, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, have committed suicide. Apparently, depression was the main cause why these two have taken their own lives and it wasn’t surprising that no one, maybe even from their family or close friends, has seen what they had been going through.

As defined in the dictionary of Psychology by J.P. Chaplin, Ph.D, DEPRESSION (1) in the normal individual, is a state of dependency characterized by feeling of inadequacy, lowered activity, and permission about the future. (2) In pathological cases, depression is an extreme state of unresponsiveness to stimuli, together with self-depreciation, delusions of inadequacy, and hopelessness.

Depression is an illness that should not be taken for granted. It is a serious condition that makes a person feel less important or worthless. It negatively affects the way we think, the way we feel and it loses our interest in everything. Dealing with depression is like fighting for our own lives. Sometimes, we feel like giving up, and sometimes, we wish from God to give us another chance. I know how hard it is to have this condition as I myself suffered from depression. Well, I myself is suffering from depression.

Being a secretive type of person, I am honestly not that confident in opening up all my problems. It requires a lot of courage for me to do it. I am afraid of being judged negatively,  and I am having a hard time accepting criticisms from people around me. It is still a challenge that I am trying to overcome. I don’t let people know that I care about what they say, but to be honest, I do. However, I always overthink everything and then try to solve my issues on my own. I thought I’d be able to do it alone, but I was wrong. I came to a point where I already felt like I was so worthless.

I am a failure at work. People see me as someone not qualified to handle my position. I even heard my boss shouting on the phone, telling my co-worker how stupid and fool I was. Although he talked to me and apologized (because he learned that I heard everything he said), those words really affected me and made me thought of leaving my work. I lost my interest. I sometimes forget that I have subordinates who need my guidance. I always have to drag myself out of bed to go to work. I am not happy.

In terms of romantic relationship, I also feel like I am so worthless. I lost my self confidence. I am giving my best but it always seem like it is not enough, I am not enough. I am still disregarded and taken for granted. I feel like I am in a one-sided relationship and it is so hard that I have no one to talk to about my problem. I’m hopeless.

Both work and personal issues have contributed to my depression. I have developed a low self-esteem and I am always overwhelmed by stress. I cry every night and no one knows about it. I give people advise when they have problem, but none of them is aware that I am also fighting  a battle with my own demon. There was actually one time where I thought of just ending my life but thank God I have my family whom I love more than anybody else. I still have a reason to live.

Right now, I am still having some trouble coping with stress at work, knowing that almost everybody hates me and that many still keep on dragging me down. I still feel that I will not be having a happy ending with my current relationship because I will never be his priority and I will always be less important. But I will never give up. I’ll continue to fight until I get the happiness I know I deserve.

Luckily, I don’t see the need for me to seek for professional help, because I still can manage my emotion, though it is hard. Right now, I am trying to spend more time with my family. I still continue to care and to help those who need me, and since I am living alone in my apartment, and knowing that I do not have much friends living near my place, I am looking for new activities that will give me more reason to live. Also, I always keep in mind that I will never be alone because I know that God is always there to guide me. I am not that religious, but I always talk to Him. There was actually one time where I visited the church and while the mass was on-going, I talked to God and prayed for his guidance. I told him that I am ready to give up the person I love if he really is not meant to stay in my life. I suddenly cried when the song “Our Father” was played. I felt God’s presence and I was relieved because I knew from that moment that He will never let my problems take away my happiness.

Dealing with depression is hard, and we cannot really tell who among our loved ones are suffering from this serious illness, so we should spend time with them as much as we can. Make your loved ones feel that they matter to you. Be appreciative so they can also do the same with others. Try not to be judgmental. Do not take for granted those people who care for you. Always be kind. Always keep in mind that even your strongest, happiest, and kindest friend or family is going through something. Check them as well and make sure that they are really doing fine.

If you are suffering from depression, or if you feel like you are alone in your battle, think of your family, think of your true friends, and most importantly, pray. If you feel that you cannot do it, do not be afraid to seek for professional help. It’s not bad to talk to a professional and only those with a shallow mind cannot understand what  you are going through.

The life that God has given us is so beautiful. We may say that it’s not perfect because we encounter problems and trials, but take note, being able to overcome those make us stronger and that experience is what makes life perfect.

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